The Roller Coaster to Recovery

Good morning. I hope everyone’s day is going well.

The last couple of years have been especially difficult in my battle against cancer. There were times when I was certain I couldn’t continue. One moment everything seemed to be going well, the next minute I crashed. What little control I had over my body seemed to disappear.

Whether you’re recovering from physical, mental, emotional drama, dealing with addiction from someone or something, or dealing with a potentially deadly disease, you probably have experienced the roller coaster to recovery.

As I’ve learned, recovery is not a straight path, but one that is filled with obstacles along the way. The roller coaster effect may have you climbing to the top and then dropping to the bottom. Each turn has the possibility to derail you.

So, how to handle this situation. I wish I had an easy answer. Every morning I wake up, I am thankful I can see a new day. Instead of focusing on the negatives of my diagnosis, I try to find a glimmer of positive news and focus on that. I hate to feel sorry for myself because I know there are people in the world that are worse off than me. I was told the other day that there is nothing wrong with feeling a little sorry for myself.

Little treats are a nice perk. Whether it’s buying something online, eating something you’ve been craving, or picking a flower in your yard. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it can be free. The air and the sky are, thankfully, still free.

If you have a caregiver, whether it’s your spouse, a member of your family, a friend, or a licensed caregiver, don’t forget to be grateful. It becomes easy to take these people for granted.

Whatever roller coaster you are on, hang on and don’t give up. Hopefully, the end of the ride will end smoothly.

Drama Free Holiday

This year when I was asked what I really wanted for the holidays it was for a drama free holiday season. It seems that every year the build up around the holidays induces its own stress level. Instead of enjoying a happy holiday season, many feel stressed over finances, family, work, etc.

So, how did I manage to avoid the drama. By not addressing it. I would change the subject and bring up something light hearted and fun. Did I solve the situation? No. However, I was able to enjoy the holiday season.

The drama may still exist, however, I can address it on my own terms when I feel ready to face it.

May you enjoy the season. Wishing everyone a Happy New Year!

#holidayseason #dramafree #keepingyoursanityduringtheholidays #stressfree

Line It Up

It’s been a while since I posted anything. This year has turned out to be my 2020. After finally getting back on my feet, literally, I have tried to boost my morale.

Makeup is one thing that makes me happy. Trying on new colors and/or discovering new techniques brings a smile to my face.

Lately, I’ve discovered two eye crayon/pencils that I love. Victoria Beckham’s Satin Kajal Liner and Chantecaille’s Luster Glide Eye LIner.

What I love about these two liners are the colors, how they hold up through the day, and how easy they are to apply.

Both liners go on smoothly. I don’t have to tug or apply a lot of pressure. Chantecaille is probably my favorite because it really lasts all day. Their liners come in 8 different colors with a price of $32. Victoria Beckham’s liner comes in a close with some amazing colors. Her line has 7 different liners at $28.

So far, I have purchased Chantecaille’s liners in Black Forest, Olive Brocade, Violet Damask, and Jasper. My daughter got me two of the Victoria Beckham liners in Sea Grey and Bronze.

Don’t be afraid to line it up with one of these amazing colors.

2 Steps Forward 3 Steps Back

I’ve heard this expression before but didn’t realize what it really meant until, recently. Back in March I started a new treatment and the side effects kept me bed ridden for 5 weeks. Normally, I bounce back fairly quickly. This time, I’m still battling to walk without a cane. It’s frustrating because every time I think I’ve progressed, something new pops up and I have to start all over again.

Whether you’re recovering from an injury, illness, addiction, traumatic event, etc., the path to recovery can be complex. It would be lovely if we could wave a magic wand and everything would be back to normal. Unfortunately, that’s not the way it works.

It’s easy to fixate on returning to doing nothing because the journey is so arduous. For the first time in my life, the thought of giving up became appealing. Instead, I take one day at a time. I recognize that setbacks are inevitable, but I have the power to move forward.

Focusing on one thing at a time is easier to handle than trying to deal with everything at once. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If I mentioned my condition, I automatically felt guilty for being a burden. I’ve learned that people will listen and care. Allowing others to do a good deed, puts a smile on their face.

Hopefully, the day will come when I can take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. In the meantime, I approach one step at a time confident that I will finally get there.

Photo by James Wheeler on Pexels.com

The Blame Game

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself playing the Blame Game. It’s an easy enough game to play. Not only do you take on the blame for things you think you did, you also take on the blame for others. For instance, your adult child dates someone who is not making them happy. You try to interject your opinion if asked, but they don’t want it. The relationship quickly tanks and you blame yourself for not being more vocal.

I can’t even remember how I first started playing, but I found myself taking on the blame for others. As I well know, the only one you can control is your own personal actions/reactions. The fact that I know this only made me more angry at myself. Negative reactions seem to take on a life of their own and grow until they’re no longer manageable.

I tell myself to “stop” often out loud if I find myself traveling down the Blame Path. I tell myself the same thing if I start berating myself because I made a mistake, no matter how trivial.

In yoga this morning, our instructor shared a tale with us of two wolves.

Once upon a time, a man and his two sons went camping. Later that evening, when they were sitting around the campfire, the father told his sons the tale of the two wolves. Two wolves got into a terrible fight, one wolf was called Ego. He was comprised of hate, jealousy, greed, anger and worry. The other wolf was called Compassion. Compassion was full of love, peace, harmony, empathy, but most importantly compassion for others and ITSELF.

The boys anxiously waited to hear who would win this terrible battle. The father paused for several minutes before continuing. Finally, the sons could bear it no longer and begged to learn the name of the victor. The father finally replied, the one who fed the most.

Photo by Steve on Pexels.com

When we assume a role in the Blame Game or berate ourselves for making “mistakes,” we are feeding the Ego. Instead, take a deep breath, pat yourself on the shoulder and offer yourself a positive compliment. Feeding Compassion is the path I choose to follow.

We Don’t Talk Anymore

I hope everyone’s New Year is off to a great start. I had high hopes for the start of this year and then depression set in. The signs were there, but I chose to ignore them. The monster of depression slowly stalked me and then made its presence known.

I am a very social person and love to share with others, however, I’ve always kept my serious thoughts buried deep inside me. I know when depression hits, if you don’t take steps to handle it, immediately, you will fall into a deep black hole.

I finally decided to talk to someone about my depression. I started with the obvious choice, my husband. He seemed surprised, but not shocked. How could I be depressed? I always seem so happy. Why didn’t I tell him, before? For the simple reason that I hate to burden others with my problems. I love being there for others, but when it comes to myself, I’m extremely critical.

I have always been the “glue” in the family. I mediate disputes, do all the scheduling, basically make sure the family is happy and functioning as a unit. As the “fixer” in the family, weakness is not tolerated. No matter what, I have to be strong.

What happens when the “strong” one falls apart? This “strong” one finally broke down and decided to see a psychologist. Thankfully, my insurance is paying for it. This may not be an option for everyone due to insurance, lack of insurance, or expense. Thankfully, there are phone numbers you can call for help that are free!

The main thing that is helping me right now is talking about issues I’ve kept buried for a long time. It feels liberating to voice these issues.

The most important thing I’ve learned is that I don’t have to be perfect. I know I’ve stressed this before, however, I still have a hard time forgiving myself. I am learning to accept that I do need to talk about it.

Remember, even “strong” individuals can talk about it.

Holiday Let Down

This challenging year is almost over. Somehow the build up to the holidays seemed eclipsed by the Pandemic. Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve, but many typical celebrations have been curtailed and many have no desire to celebrate at all.

I always feel depressed after the holidays. After the frantic pace of the holiday season, it’s almost like returning home after a vacation. You dread the return to normal.

As we anticipate the New Year, it’s easy to wonder if 2021 will be better or more of the same. I refuse to imagine a worse scenario.

January is the month I dread the most. There are no fun holidays to celebrate, no change of seasons, and no birthdays in my family. So, what to do?

In my spare time, I try to organize photos from the prior year. This process evokes happy memories and reminds me that I am fortunate to greet another year.

I know some people have taken up baking, my husband being one of them. This is really not my forte, so I’ll leave the desserts to the bakery. Glance through Pinterest and you may find a hobby you’d like to try. I have a friend who swears by yoga classes she discovered on Zoom.

Try reaching outside of your comfort zone. Curling up in a ball and snuggling with your dog is not one of them. By trying something new, you might discover or rediscover something you’re passionate about. Let’s make 2021 a brighter, more cheerful year.

P.S. Even though you wear a mask, you can still smile.

Holiday Anxiety

Tis the time of the year when thoughts turn to sugary inspired bakery items, colorful wrapped presents and friends and family members to embrace. No? 

What do you mean you feel like a prisoner? 

You’re not the only one. Holidays can be stressful all on their own. Have you purchased the perfect gifts? Did you send out Christmas cards (Does anyone even do that, anymore?). How is X going to act around Y? Is uncle T going to upset everyone with his seemingly innocent remarks? 

What about loved ones who are no longer present? The holidays tend to evoke memories that threaten to depress even the most optimistic. 

I’m not going to lie. I was dreading Thanksgiving this year. It seems that someone in the family always gets their feelings hurt. As the mother, and self nominated peace maker, I always get involved. As you can imagine, this drives my stress level through the roof. 

So, how did I get through the holidays? First of all, I remembered to breathe. A basic bodily function that I often forget to gainfully employ. Next, I reminded myself that I can’t fix everything. The only thing I can control is my reaction. Third, I reminded myself of all the blessings I have. 

Last, and this one is going to sound strange, I found some old board games in the attic. I took them out and opened them up. This simple action help ground me. Something simple and basic from an earlier time. Old photos seem to have this effect as well. 

I took a simple, basic mind set and started applying it to the holiday. Some food and some companionship (if you’re able to have friends or family who quarantine with you). Try to tune out external drama. I wasn’t totally effective at doing this, but it definitely helped. 

If you find your anxiety uncontrollable or suffer from depression, don’t hesitate to contact someone. You don’t need an elaborate medical plan, there are crisis hotlines that are there to help. Don’t be shy about calling them. 

Happy stress reduced holidays!

 

Failing to Succeed

This past week, I found myself struggling to focus on something positive. One day, I dissolved into tears. I rarely feel despondent, since I have an optimistic personality. On that day, however, I was overcome with emotion. All I could see was that I was a total failure.

I found myself focusing on negative aspects of my life. I was focusing on what I haven’t accomplished in my life, instead of what I have accomplished.

After my little cry fest, I mentally slapped myself and began turning my thoughts to what I have achieved. I have not conquered cancer, but I am still alive. I have a loving husband and three beautiful kids I have raised into adult hood. I have a roof over my head and food to eat.

It is so easy to focus on the negative aspects of life. The lofty dreams and ambitions we have should inspire, not depress us.

Each week in yoga, at the end of the class, our instructor tells us to think of one thing we’re thankful for.

What are you thankful for?

Just Breathe

I try to take a yoga class once a week, Surrender (Yin). I always find that after class I feel refreshed and somewhat zen like. Since it was 3 weeks since my last class, I was definitely un zen like.

One of my favorite phrases when someone is stressing is to remind them to, Just Breathe. It’s funny how I seem to forget that saying when it comes to me.

This morning, our instructor reminded us to breathe. Yea, yea, I’m already breathing.

Then she said, “Pay attention to your breath. Pay attention as you inhale. Pay attention as you exhale.”

Okay, now I have to concentrate. I was busy stressing about the afternoon and everything I need to get done. I have to put this on the back burner because this breathing calls for more effort than I initially thought.

As I breathe, I decide to keep in tune to the soothing background music. Visions of waterfalls pop into my head.

The anxious thoughts that plagued me all morning are put aside.

I finish the class feeling refreshed and clear headed. Some of the jumbled thoughts in my head even start to make sense.

The breathing didn’t make my troubles go away, it did allow me to refocus on the most important person, me.

Just Breathe.